A Calling Back to Holiness—in Celebration of St. Joan of Arc

"How does Saint Joan of Arc persevere in your life?"

In truth, I used to have a difficult time relating to St. Joan. Her story has been so heavily mythologized by popular media that she seemed almost superhuman to me. When she experienced visions from God commanding her to fight for France against English forces, she petitioned the French Royal Court to give testimony of her visions before King Charles VII in person. To most people who lived during her time, her claim would have seemed ridiculous given her peasant upbringing, her young age, and her gender. And yet, she followed His word despite the ridicule and doubt she faced from French officials. She was steadfast on and off the battlefield, convincing her fellow soldiers to attend mass and spending long periods of time in prayer. Even when leaders of her own church abandoned her and condemned her for heresy in a horrendously conducted trial, she spent her final moments praying and repeating the name of Jesus.

There is little record of St. Joan doubting, questioning, or making mistakes. From my 21^st century vantage point, reading tall tales of the 100 Years’ War, St. Joan lived her life in perfect alignment with God. She was, and continues to be, the model Christian.

In that respect, I am nothing like St. Joan, and not simply because every Christian makes mistakes. I am nineteen years old— the same age Joan was when she was martyred. But my faith certainly did not withstand the challenges of my generation the way hers did. In fact, over the past two years, I fell deeply out of my faith. This happened for complicated reasons that I don’t think I can properly articulate—there was no one definitive moment when I stopped believing. But regardless of cause and effect it came amidst a deep feeling of purposelessness and despair. At the time prayer for me was only a force of habit. I stopped receiving the Eucharist. When my grandfather passed away last summer, I didn’t believe he was in heaven because I couldn’t rationalize the perfect union with God that I had grown up accepting. I vividly remember the immense devastation I felt when I realized I truly believed that.

I began the fall semester of this year expecting I would no longer identify as Catholic because I was not sure that there was anything about me that was still faithful. I didn’t deserve the label. However, early into the year something compelled me to go to Mass. I didn’t feel forced or obligated in any way, but some part of me wanted to be there—and wanted to stay there. Many times, I would sit by myself in the back of the Church. Sometimes I became so anxious that my hands started shaking. But I still found myself going again and again. 

Through this ritual I began to meet other Catholic students.  Some friends whom I told about my doubts were willing to engage with and challenge them. While these conversations could be uncomfortable sometimes and we did not always reach an agreement, they helped me to realize what could be possible in my faith. During one such conversation I admitted to a friend, “I suppose I’ve never been happier than when I had faith.”

He responded, “Then why not follow that feeling?” It had not occurred to me that I didn’t have to despair. By listening to that voice—or calling—I found myself within a network of friends who, without knowing it, kept a death grip on me when it felt so easy to fall away. 

I am still mending my relationship with God and with the Church. I oscillate between instances of faith and doubt. But like a meteor trapped in Earth’s orbit I feel myself getting closer to Him, pulled in by His gravitational forces with each revolution. During periods of distance, I look to Joan’s story as an example. It is proof of what a nineteen-year-old woman can do—the extent to which she can say ‘yes’ to God despite societal and personal doubts, threats of violence, and immense pressure. Maybe she too had doubts and inner conflicts, and maybe she sometimes gave into them, but I don’t think it matters. Whatever I imagine could have tested her faith, she ultimately overcame it through a lifetime of devotion to her Lord, even at the very end. I hope to achieve that someday, and I am only just beginning to say ‘yes’.

Saint Joan of Arc, Pray for us.
 

My name is Emma Gorman. I'm a second year English Major from Arlington, VA. Fun facts: my favorite book is Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler and I'm learning how to play chess, so if anyone would like to play, I'm down!