Search
-
March 22, 2021It all feels like a distant memory at this point – the start of the pandemic. My daily routine in quarantine seemed to become one of collective monotony: everyday meshed into one, the good and the bad times becoming clouded by the fog of uncertainty and anxiety. It is crazy to me to think that things like Tiger King happened an entire year ago! I realize as I write this that probably the last thing that anyone wants to hear about is another sob story about how hard the pandemic has been. We all know how hard it has been and we continue to experience it every day. However, as I reflected on my life and past challenges, nothing seemed to come close to what we are currently experiencing. It dawned on me that one of the hardest challenges I have faced, one that has undoubtedly helped strengthen my faith, was one that is universally known: the pandemic.
My experience in quarantine started like any other. I enjoyed the time to slow down, spend time with my family, and I passed every day with the naïve hope that this would all be over soon. However, as time went on, things began to slip. One of those being my faith. As we can all agree, virtual Mass is not the same. Not being able to experience the beauty of the Church, the reverence of the music, or receive the Eucharist sacramentally makes the entire experience of Mass different. And although I would like to say my faith and knowledge that God was there regardless of whether I attended Mass physically was strong enough to sustain me through the pandemic… they did not. The pandemic for me acted as the great revealer: unearthing and amplifying all the cracks and faults in my faith that I largely had no knowledge existed. I became complacent, falling into old habits, skipping Mass, and praying less and less often. The less I did, the worse I felt.
However, through it all, I continued to attend my small group bible study. I do not know exactly what kept pushing me to keep going to our Zoom meetings, but something kept telling me to not completely shut Him out and to keep making at least some effort. Our meetings gave me time to reflect, lament about the quarantine, and ask questions that had arisen as a result of the pandemic. I relied heavily on my Bible study to sustain me, probably more than my leaders know. When I got back to Grounds in the fall, I knew I wanted to get back to the Church, but I delayed for a long time. Not only was I ashamed for being away so long, but I was ashamed for neglecting my faith amidst the multitude of time I had in quarantine. My pandemic “rut” had made me question the Lord’s love for me and I was struggling to rediscover it. Yet, I still went to Bible study and did my best to hold myself to that weekly standard. Finally, at long last, I worked up the courage to return to 9 pm Mass. Immediately upon sitting in the new worship space, I knew I was back home. I was where I was meant to be and I felt silly for being worried. All I can remember from that service is relief.
I realize now that the Lord was calling to me through Bible study. He was continually calling me back to Him, asking me to just show up, be present, listen, and simply recognize I was not alone. The Lord never left my side throughout the pandemic. He has never left any of our sides. But in my moment of weakness, I became blind to His presence and deaf to His calls. This experience that we are all so familiar with taught me to be more accountable for my own faith, but more importantly, it taught me I am never alone, not only spiritually but physically as well. Since being back and being able to attend Mass in person at STA and interact with all of my Catholic Hoos community, I realized that not only does God not leave my side, but my friends and family and faith community do not as well. There are and have been so many people to support and guide me throughout my time at UVA (including my Bible study leaders) and I could not be more thankful.
If this reflection relates to you in any way or speaks to what you are going through currently, please know you are not alone. Know He has not stopped calling to you and is happy just to have you back. It may have been a while, but trust me, take that first step and come back home.
My name is Ian Courter from Mechanicsville, VA, and I’m a second-year (Class of 2023). Fun fact: I play the French Horn and I won a male “beauty” pageant in high school.