Not Good to be Alone

I am an introvert.  This may be a surprise to many who know me, but this is the truth.  I have been surrounded by people my entire life, but I enjoy my alone time.  I have always been very individualistic and self-reliant, or so I thought.
 
When I finally got into college, my first feelings were joy and excitement, however, part of that happiness came with the realization that I was going to be on my own for the first time in my life. This was the most exhilarating part of my new college experience.  
 
As I arrived at UVA, I was ready to go out and be my own person (how ironically typical).  And at first, I was happy.  But this happiness quickly faded as I began to realize I couldn’t rely on myself entirely and I needed to be around people.  So I joined a club and convinced myself of the lie that I was entirely satisfied with who I was and what I was doing.
 
Never in my life had I felt so alone while being surrounded by the largest number of “friends” I ever had.  Why was I so unhappy? I finally had everything I wanted, but, still, something was lacking.  It took me two entire years at UVA to fix the problem, and the entire way I resisted.  Truth be told, I hated going to UVA during my first two years.  I felt unwanted, unnoticed, and unhappy.  Every minute I wanted to leave, and whenever I had a chance to go back home I would, because I felt truly known there.  The moment I came back to school, it felt like I was playing a masquerade for these “friends,” while I actually dreaded being around them because I detested who I was with them.
 
It took me so long to finally, fully come back to my faith.  I never truly lost it, but I was just going through the motions during my first and second years.  My prayer life suffered during this time; I only really prayed when I wanted something from God.  Our relationship became transactional, but Jesus was calling me to come back all that time and I fought Him every step of the way.  My pride stood in the way between me and Jesus.  Every day, He picked away at my pride and brought me closer and closer to Him, until I finally made that step to leave my lonely, prideful life behind, and accept true friendships.
 
Now, this is not to say that I am perfect: I am far, far from perfect.  The difference here was that I made a step to surround myself with others who were looking to be called higher and were calling each other higher.  As I mentioned earlier, I am an introvert and I enjoy figuring things out on my own.  I thought I could continue this former life of mine while still trying to be a “good Catholic.” In my pride and neglectfulness, I thought I could find my way to God alone.  How very wrong I was.  Instead of being a “good Catholic,” I was afraid to share my faith, and whenever others pointed it out, I was ashamed.  Jesus kept pushing me to embrace my faith, just by being open about it, and after two years, I gave Him everything: my fears, my anxieties, my dreams, and my heart.  
 
The start of third year was an explosive one, but how better to mark such a significant change?  In a single day, I made the choice that my soul was begging me to do since day one of college, and I have never looked back. 
 
But there I was starting at square one, with virtually no true friends who were looking to be called higher.  But I joined Catholic Hoos with an open mind and an open heart, and incredibly, I was welcomed with open arms.  I felt more loved and known in my first day going back to the Catholic Hoos community than I had in my entire past two years at UVA.  The earliest events in Catholic Hoos like the Pig Roast, Floats on the Lawn, and the Blue Hole Hike are where I began my closest and deepest friendships.  I am beyond grateful for this community, and how my faith has grown because of it.  I have had more trials and tribulations this year than ever before in my life, but I was not alone, and Jesus made sure of it.  He blessed me with this community and these incredible, God-given, vibrant, loving, amazing friendships. I went from hoping graduation would come faster, hoping it didn’t come as fast. 
 
Thank you all for this opportunity to write to you and have a blessed Easter season.