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July 7, 2021"Tell me your testimony"
When I was little my favorite church hymn over Advent and Christmas was “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,” because, namely, it always seemed very personal to me. When I was younger, I’d slide my finger over -nuel, giggling as I proudly showed my sister and parents my namesake written into the hymnal. With time and age, as I flipped to or over the page, I would read the hymn’s title and silently be reminded of God’s very personal call to know me more deeply. Each glimpse of the title was a little whisper of God beckoning me to Him.
Growing up, my faith mostly consisted of Sunday Mass, mealtime grace, and nightly prayers before bed. These practices kept God in my life, but I still felt He was out of reach. I perceived God perched up in the clouds as a distant observer of my life--faith was almost a choice, not a conviction. It was my responsibility to impress Him and if I said and did the right things, I would catch His attention. Maybe then He would embrace me and meet me where I stood. After all, God’s love is everywhere, right? As I felt no closer to Him despite my misguided attempts, I grew weary. My futile journey to reach an unreachable God was exhausting. My soul was never satisfied so my faith grew lukewarm.
I experienced my first real conviction during my Confirmation retreat. In one of the many small group talks, we were to discuss obstacles that prevented us from pursuing God more deeply, and more so, obstacles that prevented us from more personally knowing Him. I sat for a while and felt my heart sink. How could I know someone so far away? Tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away, overwhelmed and confused by this sudden wave of feelings that I couldn't put words to. There were 10 or so of us in the small group and no one had spoken up. Someone would eventually start sharing so I waited, hoping to break my focus on these feelings by hearing some response. Instead, my group leader called out and said, “Emma, would you like to share? Something tells me you might.” My stomach dropped as the room’s gaze fell on me.
The next few minutes I remember like an out-of-body experience. I listened to myself concede insecurities and doubts, frustrations about how distant God always seemed to me. It felt like He didn’t know me at all, or if He did He didn’t show it. I heard myself admit to putting walls up to Him, tired of feeling like I was chasing after Him to earn His love and intimacy when I just wanted Him to come to me and love me right where I was. In my moments of loneliness, I realized it was my own hardened heart that denied me His embrace. My ears were drowned in the world’s excuses for God’s apparent absence. Self-reliance became a compulsion and false comfort that alienated me from Him. God did not distance Himself from me, I pushed Him away. The pain of His absence and my identity in mediocrity were too comfortable for me to venture out to find possible grace and peace in Him. As my soapbox testimony grew to a close, I looked around the room and saw friends and peers of mine moved. In their eyes, I saw expressions of near disbelief, as if my words finally captured the same doubts that weighed on their hearts. Their enemy was identified and our souls spoke to one another in collective yearning. The walls around our hearts began to break down. I felt love for my Lord swell. At that moment, I realized how severely I pushed my Father away. God took no other form in my life than a distant judge because I would not let Him near me. As I began to realize my identity in Him and His presence in my life, I found new joy. His call O Come, O Come was not a tease for me to chase after Him in vain, but an open invitation to accept the embrace readily open and waiting for me.
People call faith a journey because it is exactly that. I for one have faced moments of severe devotion and also ones of doubt and confusion. What remains steadfast and consistent though is God’s pursuit of your heart and soul. Emmanuel, “God with us,” is a reminder of the duality of God’s love. As He pushes us to pursue Him as equally as He pursues us, He persists in His steadfast devotion to us, ready and longing to receive us in His unending and limitless love. My Confirmation retreat allowed me to see the ways God chips through the walls that surround our hearts and encourages us to take rest by coming to Him. Since then, I have found so much joy in my identity in Christ. His love guides and lights my life which has allowed me to know Him more deeply as He is revealed to me in my family, friends, and this Catholic Hoos community. God truly is with us--I see Him in every goodness I experience and through every challenge. I know my heart and soul are only satisfied in Him, so I persist in my faith too and joyfully and richly take rest in the love of my Father. Come to Him too! There’s plenty of room in the arms of the Father. :)
My name is Emma Hearington, a rising fourth year from Chester, Virginia. I have recently been really into cooking and baking new recipes and absolutely love to hike. I hope everyone’s been having a happy and healthy summer!