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April 12, 2021I’ve been Catholic my whole life, but I never had a relationship with the Lord until college. The extent of my faith until a few years ago was attending Christmas and Easter Mass in the high school auditorium where it was held. I did not know anyone who was faithfully pursuing Jesus, nor I had ever read the Bible.
In high school, I had a constant struggle with the desire to be perfect. I would spend copious amounts of time on a morning routine that included perfecting my hair, clothes, nails, and makeup. At school, I would volunteer to answer questions and memorize every word from my teachers’ mouths. At cross country practice I struggled with the fact that, after an injury and surgery, I was never able to get over the mental hurdle of getting reinjured. All of my friends were getting faster, and I was getting slower. After dinner, I was awake into the morning hours working harder, not smarter, on homework. As an editor of the yearbook for three years, I meticulously reviewed every page every night because of fear that something with my name attached to it would be less than perfect. I did everything I could think to do to be the perfect student, athlete, friend, and daughter.
Obviously, I was never able to live up to these self-imposed standards. When I failed, I would blame myself for falling short of imaginary expectations, and my habits of perfectionism led to an unbearable and invisible weight on my shoulders. In college, rather than striving harder in all aspects of my life like I had done in high school, I became exhausted with the constant feeling of failure and I gave up. I accepted that classes were hard, and my grades fell. I became anxious about meeting someone new because I wanted to be perfect, so I simply resorted to not meeting anyone. When I became overcommitted with clubs, I just stopped going.
Eventually, I came to the realization that I needed some friends, and I needed something to do. One night, I was moved to join my roommate for her Bible study. All I remember is feeling how out of place I was and how perfect these Christian women seemed. I would have done anything to regain a feeling of perfection, so I started going every week. I bought a Bible and started reading, reasoning that if I was going to attend, I should probably figure out what they were discussing.
Since then, my journey of learning about and pursuing the fullness and depth of Catholicism has transformed my life. I now understand that I will never be able to reach the earthly perfection that is reserved for Jesus alone. God is still working on softening and shaping my once hardened heart, but I find peace in knowing that being in a relationship with God will never lead to becoming a perfect person like I once thought. Rather, it provides the freedom to acknowledge how truly sinful, broken, and imperfect we are, and the grace to accept that we are deeply loved, known, and desired by our creator despite it all.
“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20
My identity is no longer in things of this world, but now in the fact that I am a child of God. As I’ve learned to surrender my burdens, insecurities, and anxieties at the feet of Jesus, I’ve found immense peace in prayer and trusting that God will provide for me and guide me.
You are loved and desired just the way you are. So much so, that Jesus suffered and died for you. Rejoice in your Savior and in the new life He has given you on Earth and the gift of the one to come in Heaven! There is a Christ-shaped hole in everyone’s heart that calls us to return to the arms of our Father. He wants us to rest in His power, faithfulness, wisdom, justice, and truth, and to accept His unimaginable, unfailing, and unending love for us. I have, and I hope you will too.
Hi! I'm Elena Becker and I'm a fourth-year from Northern Virginia. A fun fact about me is that I know almost every word to the movie Elf:) I love spending time with friends and enjoying all the yummy food in Charlottesville!