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March 8, 2021"Tell me about a challenge you faced and how it influenced your faith."
“For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37)
My relationship with my older brother has been both one of the biggest blessings in my life, and one of the heaviest burdens. It is an area where I have undeniably experienced God’s provision and omnipotence. When I was 11, my older brother T.J. was diagnosed with autism. Being as “high-functioning” as he is, T.J. was diagnosed unusually late at 17. Growing up with my brother came with many challenges. When we got along, we shared in some fun, mischievous pastimes (one I remember involving lighter fluid), but when we did not get along, we fought in the worst ways. I will not go into detail, but T.J. could be surprisingly cruel to me. As a result, I harbored an immense amount of resentment to him, which I only started to examine when he was diagnosed.
T.J. has told me that he was relieved when he found out he was autistic, because it explained so much of his life, but his life hardly became easy after the news. As he entered early adulthood, he was diagnosed with clinical depression and began to experiment with self-harm, and it was in this context that we started to become close. Our nightly chats became a time when T.J. would sometimes share his discontent with himself and life.
Perhaps the biggest challenge to one’s faith is watching a loved one suffer. Sin, and as a result, pain, are so contradictory to God, that their presence in our lives feels inconsistent with what we know about faith and our Lord. Watching my brother struggle and succumb to deep-rooted self-contempt hurt me so much. I wanted him to know how loved and appreciated he was, not just by my family and me, but by his heavenly Father. As much as I listened, encouraged, prayed, and implored, T.J.’s pain was not something that I could heal. But my bitterness associated with how we treated each other when I was young did heal. It was impossible to hold onto that hostility, and through prayer and laying down my own pride, I was able to completely forgive T.J. He moved out of our parents’ home when I was fifteen, and during my high school years we fell out of frequent contact.
Over this past summer, I was especially convicted to revitalize my relationship with my brother, and to pray earnestly for his healing. We began texting more, sending each other music, and sharing parts of our lives with each other. T.J. was still suffering from many symptoms of depression, but he assured me that my listening was the best gift and help I could give in that respect. We were both home for Thanksgiving this past November, and one night we started chatting like we would when he was in high school. The topic turned to our childhood, and he shared that, as a teen, he felt like no one had attempted to understand him, except occasionally me. Then, out of nowhere, he apologized for his unkindness to me when we were younger. For the first time in twenty years, I saw my brother cry.
It’s difficult for me to stress the significance this conversation had on me. For years, I wanted my brother to hurt and feel remorse for the hurt he had caused me. I had craved his apology, but when it came, all I felt was empathy for him and the hardships he had faced. God’s timing blows me away. I could not even guess that T.J. and I would be so completely reconciled to each other, and that night we experienced so much healing.
This February, T.J. texted me, “I am happier than I’ve ever been.” He ceased his self-harm patterns in December and completely went off his depression medication in January. His transformation has had a profound influence on my spiritual life. After inviting God into my relationship with my brother for years, I started to doubt my role in T.J. 's life, and questioned God’s hand in it all. But, “we know that all things work together for good for those who love God” (Rom. 8:26). Even if we passively put God’s abilities in a box, He will fulfill His plans in His timing, especially when we might least expect. I've also learned how God can use the simplest of our gifts for a much larger purpose. Though it never felt like I helped much, God used my offering of time to T.J. to fit into a greater story of redemption. My relationship with T.J. was an emotional strain for many years, but God used this hardship to teach me his ability, trustworthiness, and compassion. He truly does make all things work together for good, as he did when he healed my relationship with my brother.
Hi! My name is Amy White and I am a third year from Nelson County, VA. In my free time I enjoy any outdoor activity, especially hiking and skiing.
